Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
