Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Randomize
