Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Verdict: uncircumcised.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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