The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
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