I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
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