dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
