Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
