All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Randomize
