So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
woke up between a girl's legs. make your own conclusion.
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