I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
i cleaned out my closet and found 7 beers from 2007. ive had 3 so far.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Vegas should really enforce the buddy system because if not everyone is going to end up swimming during the water show in front of the Bellagio.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
