The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
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