Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
vagina is talking i cant
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Randomize
