Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
Randomize
