She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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