I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize