The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
dude a monday night stripper made you motorboat her. you should get that checked out
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
