The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm not winning any crowns in the Miss Emotionally Stable pageant either...
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
its a recording of you guys having sex?!
its actually 30 minutes of him begging and then 2 minutes of sex.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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