sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I’m traumatised. Bring vodka and condoms.
Randomize
