Best news ive heard all week. The cougars r coming! The cougars are coming!
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
After everything you did, you followed it with "Oh God, that's something a high person would do. But I'm not high." So yeah, you're not getting near my stash again.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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