literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
