I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I think pants incapable of making pants work
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
