Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.
teach me your ways.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
