When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
When you gave the girl your number the fat girl was like "take mine....here please take mine"
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
