Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I thought i was doing pretty well but I walked into my first class and everyone on my side of the room immediately asked how drunk and high I was
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
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