People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
