i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Randomize
