he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I woke up exactly where I passed out... on top of him yet he somehow put his pants back on
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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