we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
just saw your exgirlfriend at the mall. her sister is pretty hot.
called that a week into the relationship. like driving off the lot with a 2010 and seeing the 2011 models coming in on the truck.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
Less than a month to go... I do not understand how I was able to put up with a roommate who wears bright green Crocs for a year.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
I’m appalled by how severely I lower my standards when I’m horny & impaired
Randomize
