Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
We had a threesome and he gave us bottle rockets and a lamp for our apartment
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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