My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
