Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
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