Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Who says no to sex and donuts?!
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
tell raye i said hi and sorry for bleeding on the limes
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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