if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
she pinky promised me she was 18
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
