Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
Its time to go balls to the wall to get any good D during these last few weeks of college.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Randomize
