My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
