does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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