My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
some gay kid said he wanted to blow him because "his eyebrows told a story"
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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