saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I love you, and I just washed my hair in my work sink with handsoap.
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
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