I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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