Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
There is a chick wearing some guy's shirt wrapped around her waist as a skirt... She's flashing her panties to everyone as she sings karaoke. You need to get here.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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