I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
he's like a horny 3rd grader on cocaine. he needs a leash
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
Randomize
