I faked an abortion last night.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So much Jack, so little girl.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Randomize
