Apparently you make a good broom.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
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