I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
My mom is giving me a "don't tape yourself during sex" talk. It's going to be a long car ride.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
We convinced the Dj to let us play musical chairs...... I won by the way.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
Randomize
