Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
We're knee deep in HJ's right now.
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I licked your asshole in confidence.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
