Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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