I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
