I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
If your find a 12 pack on your doorstep consider it a gentleman's agreement to never speak of that night again
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize