The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
