The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
