dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
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