U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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