Will you blow on my dice?
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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