a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Because you work where i will be drunk tonight I'm asking you. Is a shirt required on Halloween?
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
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