I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Bruh, I wanna absorb into the deck.
I wanna become a plank.
God I love xanex.
Randomize
