Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Randomize