i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Sigh. I'll find the right guy one day.
Prince charming is right around the corner and will be freaky as shit!
I mean we don't talk anymore but I still see him around wearing that sweater he stole from me after we had sex
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
