OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity
nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
also somebody did cough syrup and i was really worried but i couldn’t express why properly so i was like MACKLEMORE SAYS NO
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
Did you happen to find my bra? I'm pretty sure I still had it on before we left that bar
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
