god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
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